Jupiter Ascending – Movie Review (Spoilers – duh)

Hey, everyone. Figure I’d just re-post this frm Tumblr, since it seemed such a waste leaving my rant on one social media.
Hi, guys. Sorry for not posting in awhile. Classes and school got in the way. I’ve recently started blogging and vlogging (Blogger and Youtube respectively. So cliche, I know.) Will be posting more about them soon.
Anyway, let’s head on into the movie review, shall we?
Okay, so yesterday I went to watch the movie. I know, a day late, but I was home late, and I figured HOMEWORK was a higher priority than this. But anyways.
So this movie is about Jupiter Jones and Caine Wise. First of all, I got a huge laughing fit when I found out the name of Channing Tatum’s character, a.k.a 
this dude. Seriously, Caine WISE? It doesn’t help that every time Jupiter (Mila Kunis’ character)

gets a few wacks at the bad guys and starts falling through the skies, this lycan-human spliced militariant flies out with his anti-gravity boots to save her ass. I guess Fox’s happy now, since we have a strong, silent figure of male authority and role modelism for boys to look up to.

har har har.
So the plot is that Jupiter, a glorified janitor (her toilet brush is nothing less than pristine – I think they repeated the use of the same scene), finds out that Earth is not alone and she is an heir to it and other ‘estates’ (never explained).

Balem Abrasax (played by the suave, frightening, Oedipus complex-ed Eddie Redmayne)

Titus Abrasax (played by the stunning Douglas Booth. Seriously, I never thought anything of him, but then I missed the ‘spectacular failure’ that was Romeo and Juliet. Or so I’ve heard.)

Kalique Abrasax (played by Tuppence Middleton. Beautiful girl, and surprisingly she stars in The Imitation Game, another movie getting nods everywhere.)

But seriously, they are so shoe-horned into this movie. Every time you see each sibling, it’s like you’re ENTERING another universe. Kalique’s was a Mediterranean-esque island, Titus was the ever-cliched parade of girls, but Balem was an industrial country, where every thing had its own place. There’s a lot of talking, and it’s not even Scandal-worthy. It’s just explaining again and again how much like the former queen (the three Abrasax’s mother), and leaving miniscule breadcrumbs for us lowly mortal audiences to pick up on. And then, Jupe and Caine are off on another ship and the Abrasaxes (at least Titus and Kalique) are left to be forgotten.

Like, Kalique’s animosity with the former queen. Not explained. Titus’ impressive if senseless monologue about lies as he sends Caine into space. Not explained. Balem’s need to kill Jupe, when all he had to do was harvest Earth and flip the rest of the universe since his ratty sidekick already said the Earthlings would make perfect harvest material. Oh yeah, Titus’ had another not explained moment, where he talks to Kalique about the harvesting process (humans are turned into a blue sparkling liquid that resets the body back to its peak physical and psychological condition). He talks about how unsettling the harvesting process can be to a newcomer, but does nothing to stop it, even as he said it. Gad. They meet any of my teachers, and they’ll have a field day. My teachers, not Andy and Lana Wachowski. 

Then there’s the whole hoolabaloo with Caine. He was a former military man (part of The Legion)who was discharged because he tore out the throat of an entitled, which is basically what Jupe becomes after a hilarious scene of intergalactic bureaucracy. Then he says he doesn’t remember doing it, but it become relevant later because Titus claims he put Caine down because Caine, who was captured at the time by Titus, ‘killed some of Titus’ servants’.  And then at the final fight, he has to bite a flying Curt the Lizard (Spider-Man reference). It makes even littler (?) sense as we do not know if Caine did it in the first place by his own will or someone make him do it. 

There’s also Kalique. I believe she’s the second in the family. Initially she looks old and haggard, but that’s to facilitate the later change when she dips herself into a bath of a Wachowski-created fountain of youth serum. She also meddles into the fight between Titus, the youngest, and Balem, the oldest, and rightly doesn’t want to be known to be involved in it. Balem is no Smaug, but he’s no Grinch either. But then Caine bursts into her home and instead of having him arrested, she allows Caine to take Jupe away. Can I get a big huh?

Isn’t she afraid that Balem would kill her for her meddling? Or does she think she can just wash away her wounds with the family’s youth serum?

The Wachowskis should’ve watched Game of Thrones. That’s a family and political drama. The Abrasax is just…crap. I mean, Kalique doesn’t make sense, Titus doesn’t make sense, and Balem sounds like a hysterical, insane one-dimensional BAD GUY.(sorry about that Eddie, but it’s true. It’s not your fault, it’s the Wachowskis) 

Anyway, just get this – don’t watch this movie. Just enjoy the trailer and be glad you did spend ten bucks for a stinking movie. 


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